Back in the 1940s, I lived in Norfolk, VA. I knew lots of white people whose customary noun meaning a person of color was "nigger." My grandmother, who was brought up not to use vulgar language, used "darkey" instead. But her choice of terms wasn't just to avoid coarse language. She did not want to inflict hurt. I know because she used to recite to me a poem by the black poet, Countee Cullen, who was a contemporary of my gramma.

Once riding in old Baltimore,
Heart-filled, head-filled with glee,
I saw a Baltimorean
Keep looking straight at me.

Now I was eight and very small,
And he was no whit bigger,
And so I smiled, but he poked out
His tongue, and called me, "Nigger."

I saw the whole of Baltimore
From May until December:
Of all the things that happened there
That's all that I remember.

Obviously, it made quite an impression on me because I can still quote it, almost 60 years later.

I don't use the D word because to me it sounds condescending. People like Foster and my grandmother tried to be kind to black people, but it was a condescending kindness that was practically unavoidable among "proper" southerners.