There's something wrong with tankards and if I knew what it was I'd crack this whole folk conundrum. It's a mix of aesthetics (or lack of them), unfitness for purpose relative to other vessels, ornament for its own sake and a certain overblownness, the kind of thing a wicked king in an illustrated children's tale would drink from. Also deeply personal in an unhealthy way - 'can I have My Tankard please landlord', the one with the engraving of the Raft of the Medusa, the cannons on the base, my name and professional qualifications, the sealed photograph of my dog and the Dresden lid.

I could become hypertensive just thinking about it, so won't.