"PS I HATEHATEHATE village fetes. So can we have a completely fucked up village fete muh more in line with Saturnalia or something please?"

Our village fete is tombola torment by day, deranged debauch by night. All the women wear sunglasses until the next evening so they've either been rogered by the devil or got totally rat-arsed and can't see till noon.
My favourite is S****** in Devon, nameless because it's so posh you can pick up incredibly excellent stuff on the bring and buy and we shall return in a week or so. My wife bought some antique linen for about 20p and they said 'oh just take all of it, nobody cares for it round here.' I copped for some marvellous board games from the 1930s. Mrs Glue also bought some gorgeous period jewellery that looked like Mrs Simpson's but she lost it that same day so we assume it needed to return home.