"So here I am - violated by a vol-au-vent and feeling decidedly wierd..."

Absolutely ANY 'party food' from Iceland will make you ill (if they told you they were from M&S they were lying) - just watching the adverts makes me vomity. All vol-au-vonts live in freezing conditions in Iceland. In the old days Victorian collectors went to Iceland and harvested them as a rare delicacy for the elite, but since cultivation and mass production has ensured the egalitarian re-distribution of such aspirational foods, common people are also condemned to endure them. New Labour made it law. They won't make you posh of course, but they will make you look like a decidedly sad 'wannabe'. May I suggest you now ditch those tatty old volumes currently littering your shelves like some nit infested Oxfam shop, the purchase of a MASSIVE flat screen telly, and a discreet collection of never to be read/ever to be dusted leather bound 'classics' from some pricey bookclub on the back pages of RT.

I hereby request that 'drinks and nibbles' 'coctail parties' 'wine bars' and 'tennis clubs' are all TOTALLY BANNED in the re-Imagined village. And anyone caught indulging in such aspirational behaviours promptly has their head sliced off. I'll be there with my knitting..