I have decreed that the English National Dress - from 1st January 2010 - will be: tattooes. No clothes, just tattooing over strategic parts of the body.

So, my personal tattoos will be of a thong (you can imagine for yourselves where this might be, and wonder at my resilience), wellies, a choker, and possibly some kind of hat. In winter, I'll have a dragon tattooed on my back, with it's beak up my...

'Catters - where will your tattooes be under the new regime? No lies, now.