Further Remains Discovered

Youngsters playing by the canal his morning made the rather horrific discovery of a human upper torso and arms caught up in the weeping willows on the bank-side opposite the public house known as The Siberian Khatru. Police reports say the remains are most definitely female, clothed as they were in a blue satin ball gown, severed below the rib-cage and with much of the neck remaining.

Single Blow

When asked if this morning's discovery is in any way connected to last night's gruesome assemblage on the village green, a spokesman said that it was very likely on account of the matching jewellery: earrings, necklace (still in situ on the torso) and bracelets. Also, the wounds to both head and body are consistent with a single blow from a heavy sharp blade, and a handbag was found containing a Chanel No 5 perfume bottle and an iPod containing music of a folk pop variety - including several songs from Show of Hands' controversial experimental gothic album Albion Sacrifice. Though the identity of the young woman had not yet officially been disclosed, it was announced earlier that a man is helping the police with their inquiries.

Unholy Row

A neighbour commented: "They're from off - George and Lucinda as we know 'em - they come up most weekends - keep themselves to themselves - always well dressed - flash car - Porsche 911 - very posh - suits and ball gowns - lots of drugs, champagne and you-know-what - at it all hours they are - making a right unholy row - a bit of a screamer she is - or was - assuming it's her. Poor thing. Not a picking on her either. Arrive on Friday night - leave on Sunday night - except on Blank Holidays when they leave on the Monday - not this Monday though - lots of shouting this Monday - yesterday. What time? Oh - around eightish I'd say - time they usually set off - great big bloody row it was - just like you see on Eastenders - which, come to think of it, we were watching at the time so that starts at eight on Mondays. Then it all went silent, which was nice for the final of Only Connect. See anything? No. Rainy night in with the telly - just glad of the peace and quiet."

No Surname

Search parties are out on this bright September morning scouring both the village and surrounding countryside in the hope of discovering the rest of the young lady believed be the aforementioned Lucinda, though no surname has as yet been announced. The youngsters who made the discovery (the grandchildren of a local couple, up from Birmingham for the Summer Holiday) were said to be delighted that their holidays had taken a turn for the better, considering life in the re-imagined village to be well tedious.