I'm really P**sed Off that I can't make it, but little people want Grandad, and Nannie, at THEIR birthday celebrations this weekend.

I hope you will both understand, and I wish you the happiest of birthdays, and many, many, more.

My mad son has built a pirate galleon in his back garden for those little people, so I shall spend the weekend saying "Oh Arrr!" and "Avast me hearties", and drinking the lad's Bishop's Finger.

Come to think of it, I could end up saying "Ralph" or "Hughey", or, after a weekend of superindulgence, "Avast Behind".

The wife'll kill me.

Don T.