Gathered of Mudcat over the years

As I was a-walking one morning with a lass,
Two Guisbro farmers I chanced for to pass.
And one said to the other as we went strolling by,
"There be more birds in the long grass than there be in the sky."

Oh! Nellie is my girlfriend and I loves her so.
She's as big as an haystack and 40 years old.
Farmer says hers ginormous and loud do he scoff
For you has to leave a chalk mark to show where you left off.

Farmer looks at young Gwendolyn and he looks at young Ned.
"What a handsome young couple! They ought to be wed."
Farmer says sadly, "It's impossible, of course,
For Gwendolyn is my daughter and Ned he is my horse."

One day as her went milking with Nellie the cow,
Her pulled and her tugged but her didn't know how.
So after a short while, Nellie turned with a frown,
Saying, "You hang on tight, love, and I'll jump up and down."

There's a public convenience along North Gate Street,
And some silly beggar went and painted the seat.
Now bottoms are plentiful, and the all look the same,
But my arse is different, for it comes in a frame.

As I was a-walking down Allison Street,
I saw a poor bloke with no shoes to his feet.
Now I having plenty of brass for to spare,
I nipped into a fruit shop and I bought him a pear.

My cousin Jim one day for a stunt
Went out one day with his coat back to front.
A bloody big bus come and knocked our Jim down.
He would have been saved but they turned his head round.

Now Mary, the milkmaid, was milking the cow.
She was trying so hard but she didn't know how.
Along came the farmer and gave her the sack,
So she turned the cow over and poured the milk back!

I dreamt that I died, and to heaven did go,
But, "Where do you come from?" they wanted to know.
When I said from Guisbro they said, "Come right in.
You're the first one we've had from that cesspool of sin."