Look, you just can't TRUST trees. Do YOU take off YOUR clothes and stand around naked in the winter? Of course not, but trees do -- and those that don't are covered with sticky needles instead of being clothed in nudity-hiding leaves like God intended. Trees provide shelter for terrorist birds, who swoop down and poop on your car or head. And that doesn't even BEGIN to touch on trees that suddenly burst into flame and burn millions of square miles or deliberately fall on your house or car or great-grandchild when they are out gamboling innocently in their sandbox.

Cut 'em all down, I say! Let's show 'em who the boss of this planet is once and for all! Nuke the oaks!