In all seriousness, you should try playing a ukelele--It has a much smaller, shorter, and lighter neck that gives you much more flexibility in where and how you hold it. No promises, of course, but it might work. You have my sympathy--I've developed a condition in my right hand called "Gamekeeper's Thumb" that makes it painful to hold a pick, or to fingerpick, and also affects my wrist and forearm, and that is bad enough--