If Amos had a mind like Shane's
He'd have a much less busy brain
His relatives would live in trailers
He wouldn't talk like Norman Mailer

He'd haunt the donut shops and bars
And never drive a yuppie car
He'd get hung over frequently
And never drink hot Earl Grey tea

He wouldn't know the word "jejeune"
Nor would he hum a merry tune
While writing rhymes in clever verse
That prove his friend Rapaire's perverse

Instead going to the zoo
He'd go to jail for a month or two
And when they let him out he'd claim
That he had been unfairly framed

He'd say the cops are out to get him
Because they did refuse to let him
Make a 3 AM trip to the liquor store
With a chainsaw that "unlocked" the door

He'd cry and whine before the judge
"These fliphead cops have got a grudge!
"They hate me so becoz I'm cool.
"And cos I ain't no fliphead fool.

"They want me put in flippin' stir!
"It's really all becoz of her!
"Cos Jenny Dana loves me better
"Than she loves them! But they won't let her...

"...show off her love fer me, her hero!
"My love adds up to more than zero!
"And if I was let go, I'd prove it
"I'd win her love and not remove it...

"So let me go, judge, let me off!"
The judge at that point gives a cough
And slams his gavel down and hollers
"SIX MORE MONTHS IN AN IRON COLLAR!"

Then Shane is dragged from the courtroom, howling
As the judge sits silent, darkly scowling
And brother Don fumes at the bar
"That flippin' judge has gone TOO FAR!"

Yes, all these things could happen to Amos
And he might even become quite famous
In time if he'd been born like Shane
With a smaller, far less busy brain.