I am deeply disturbed about the fact that some people keep referring to Santa Claus as an Elf. It's outrageous. He is a fat human with round ears and way too much facial hair...or perhaps he is a dwarf afflicted with giantism (if that's even possible), but he in no way resembles an Elf.

This is what an Elf looks like:

A male Elf

Does Santa Claus look anything like that? Hell no. If he were an Elf, he'd be considered a freak of some kind, an embarrassment and an offence to the entire noble race of Elves.

It's shocking. How long must we put up with these inane Christmas songs and blurbs that call Santa Claus a "jolly old elf" when he is nothing of the sort? Enough of this, I say!

Again, this is what an Elf looks like:

Arwen in battle mode

And, no, they do not toil in service of WalMart, nor will they come down your chimney on Christmas Eve and leave you an X-box or a new blender. Uh-uh. They have much better things to do than that.