Inspired by the "Women & Lotions" thread, I have stumbled upon a heretofore unknown theory that explains... well... everything! I'm calling it "The Grand Unified Theory of Guitar Aquisition Syndrome" or "The GUT of GAS" for short.

The gist of the theory is that everything in the universe can be explained in terms of guys' obsessive need to buy guitars. If there were just guys, but no guitars, or just guitars, but no guys, the universe would be fundamentally different in an untold number of ways.

Take the fundamental questions of physics like, for example, "Why is there matter in the universe?" Well, you ever try to build a guitar from NOTHING? Can't be done. (Though some folks have been known to try: CLICK)

And consider the fundamental questions of philosophy like, "Why do women do the stuff women do?" Well, it's all so that when guys buy guitars and women get angry about it, guys can say, "Hell, if I had half the money you've spent on acrylic nails in the last year, I could buy Eric Clapton's entire guitar collection and still have enough money left over for two Quarter Pounders with Cheese!"

Now, some of you are probably saying, "Now wait a damned minute, Slim! I don't even play guitar! I play Flugelhorn!" Well, that's precisely the point! If everybody played guitar, there wouldn't be any guitars left to buy and the universe as we know it would collapse into a monstrous black hole!

And there are also probably a few of you going, "Hold on, Fat Boy! I buy guitars, but last time I checked between my legs, I sure as hell wasn't a guy!" Right, you're not a guy. You're leakage. You've somehow leaked through from the universe that exists because women need to buy guitars. See, there are an infinite number of universes. Some of them exist pretty much side by side and the barriers between them are exceedingly permeable. The universe in which guys need to buy guitars and the one in which women need to buy guitars are prime examples. It doesn't matter to the multiverse if the two universes swap a few pickers every now and then as long as the overall balance stays intact. (There is also a nearby universe in which members of both sexes need to buy ukuleles, and the barrier between that universe and our own has worn so thin that they are on the verge of merging.)*

And for those of you who insist that a GUT isn't a real GUT unless expressed in mathematical terms, a precise equation spelling out the details of The GUT of GAS can be found HERE.

*There's also a distant universe in which everything can be explained by the need of asexual Rigelian Slime Creatures to buy Oozophones, but the boundary between that universe and ours is, fortunately, pretty tightly woven.