Thanks, SRS. Just this Monday, we got the meds up to 100mg. It was 50mg from the middle of Dec., then 75mg, last week, now the 100. If anything it feels more depressing than not. They keep telling me it takes time, 30 days at least, for it to kick in and I know it did kick in, somewhat, earlier, because I had been a lot better and still am to some extent.

I've been sleeping a lot more during the daytime, I think from the meds, but also lack of motivation and lack of nighttime sleep. I cannot bring myself to do much of anything save the essentials. I haven't been sleeping well at night as I am up and down to the porcelain throne too often. (How does one regulate movement of solids with the daytime?!Arrgghhh!)

I haven't been out of the house except with Rog, not because of fear but because of meds and also nowhere specific to go which doesn't seem like more trouble than it is worth with dragging the O2 around and all.

There are some bright moments, like yesterday with Morgan, but that's the first time I've been able to have him all week due to my feeling badly.

I will be going to a new therapist early in Feb. so I am hanging on until then. The goal is to get me off the xanax and give the zoloft a chance to take effect, but I've been told he likes alternative, non-med approaches, too, so we'll see what he says. I am on the cancellation list and I hope i can see him before the 28th as that is my yearly with the cardio and it makes me nervous because of last summer.

When I was anaemic, I knew why and the bully doctor wouldn't leave me alone even though my levels went up as I'd said they would. That went on for a couple or more months. When he couldn't come up with any other explanation for that and some water retention he sent me to the cardio who is a nice guy. BUT, I was so scared, bullied, tired, etc. when the cardio told me he wanted me to get an echo to see if there were any "loose stitches" around my artificial valve, I lost it. Told him he was scaring me, he said he didn't mean to, then when I said I hoped they'd use the da vinci robotics to repair it, if so, he said probably not, they'd probably have to open my chest. Then he had his staff schedule an echo.

Talk about full out panic and feeling beat down! The more Rog, who was there with me, and I thought about it, the more we figured if the doc was truly worried about loose stitches he would not have let me go home. After another week or two of worry, I cancelled the echo. All of the summer xrays, ekgs, and other tests showed my heart and lungs were doing well, so I have not been worried at all, but now, knowing I have to see him, I feel very nervous. I keep reminding myself that all has been well and is well, but seeing the therapist would be helpful.

Boy! I haven't written about the cardio before, that I remember. I think I needed to. Thanks for listening.

kat