Thank you, Dan. You're always so kind. x I'd love to have a book, and I'll pass it on to Deb as well. I'll PM you. Thank you. x

OK, the things I've learnt about autism over the past years, things I never knew before...and I know that the Circle covers many different aspects, but this is the Circle that I have discovered so far.

First of all, I was shocked at how little I knew. Then I felt sad...and angry too that there was so little information around, unless you start to search for it.

I learnt about a terrible fear, a fear which dominates the minds of so many on The Circle. A never ending fear that brings with it almost an animal instinct for survival.

Imagine living in a world where the faces of those around you are unreadable. No expression means anything to you, so you are completely unable to understand what is meant when a 'smile' happens, or laughter, or a face becomes contorted in anger, wrinkled by sadness....

Imagine a world where you often cannot get your words to leave the inside of your head, and even though your mind is a-buzz with feelings, opinions, emotions, they are never able to reach other people.

Imagine *longing* to be hugged, but being terrified of physical contact. Imagine having the most terrible view of yourself, a self-loathing that runs so deep inside your soul that you can barely function at times....and you know, you KNOW that eventually others will realise why you hate yourself, and hate you also.

Imagine having a gift, a gift that came with being born, whether it be painting, songwriting, musicianship, writing, dancing....but it is a gift that also brings much pain, because you have to be the best, even though you always believe you are the worst. You have to make that painting Perfection, likewise the song, the book, the dance, the sport...

People tell you have this 'gift' yet you feel cursed by it, because of the anguish that it causes. You don't want people to see your paintings, you don't want them to hear your songs, because the thought of criticism breaks your heart, the thought that others will start to see that *you* are the person you know yourself to be, and the self-loathing has taught you exactly who that person is....

So you hide your paintings, you don't sing your songs, you never let your beautiful words be read by others.....but you simply can't stop creating, creating, creating, because even though you may live in a world which seems silent, to other people, you never know silence...

The voice inside you, be it your own, or those of others, never shuts down, so sleep is hard....and you have this terrible, aching tiredness....

But you learn, you grow....You teach yourself humour, teach yourself about expressions and you start to finally understand, the merest bit, about this world, but nothing comes easy, and always you are on your guard, for the expression you haven't read up on, for the words that you don't understand the real meaning of....

You hear too loudly, too clearly...and unexpected sounds scare you. You 'see' too clearly, noticing everything, and sometimes to look into the eyes of others is overwhelmingly scary, because you are frightened of what you will see there, and...it almost physically hurts you to do that. Your sense of smell is extremely intense, and you cannot understand why people want to wear perfume, or cannot smell some of the horrible smells that you can. Your sense of touch is of the same intenseness, which is why you often don't like others touching you, in fact, at times, you can't bear to be touched or touch others...

The terror of being in school, surrounded by faces you cannot read, in an atmosphere of constant wariness, waiting for the aggression to start, living on your nerves, to the point where at times, you can't take it any longer and you lash out at anyone who is around you, in blind panic...but they do not understand....

'They' do not understand.

They are all too busy, learning about things that don't really matter.

Despite so many people feeling as you do, no-one is talking about it in schools. No-one is starting to explain. No-one is starting to understand that actually, you don't want to be in a huge class, but would far prefer to be on your own, just having to relate to your teacher, because you love to learn, love to know, WANT to understand why YOUR world is as it is, and 'their' world is not.

Why don't they understand that you need to live in a 'cotton wool world' where you are surrounded by love and understanding. Not pity, hell, you don't need or want pity, because you are an intelligent person, often vastly so...but everything is tuned up too high, to the point of Highly Over Sensitive, where everything hurts you, be it physical or emotional.

You realise that somehow, you have to learn to cope, and if you're lucky you are brought into contact with those who are there to do exactly that....

But often you are not...and your life sinks down into drink and drugs, anything to shut out the pain...

Your family feel as though they've lost you, but of course, they haven't, they've just never leart to understand the world you have been born into.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to live alone. It is, at times, the most relaxing moment of your day....but 'alone' in this busy world, is becoming more and more difficult to find.

Often though, 'alone' turns into 'intense loneliness. Every relationship tears you apart, because your emotions are wide open, red raw, and often, if you have ever let yourself fall 'in love' you are unable to bear the all-encompassing pain that goes with love ending..because to you, love should never end...

The world doesn't understand that behind the so often, seemingly violent and angry behaviour lies the gentlest of people, who only want love and affection...and a quiet, peaceful life where you know that you can trust someone implicitily, to the point of all your senses and emotions calming down...

If love dies, then that is it, because the unbearable pain can never be endured again, and so...you never love again, thus protecting yourself completely. It is the only thing you feel you can do.

Sometimes, you are unable to live life 'outside' at all, and need to be looked after 24/7. People think you are stupid, unable to think as they do....but as you sit under you 'hugging blanket'...the one that covers your head, moulds close to your body, and keeps you 'safe', your mind never stops thinking, never stops agonising that someday, someone will understand, someone will be able to unlock the door for you...Until that day, you rock back and forth, as that brings it's own comfort to you..