Mudcat Wired Service: -- Tenzin Gyatso (rhymes with "is that nutso or what so?"), the 14th Dalai Lama announced today that he was indeed taking a leave of absence to become a male stripper, known as Thunderbolt (Dorjeling). Said the revered figure: "I am a simple monk, what have I got to hide? Furthermore, Avolakitesvara, the Bodhisattva of Compassion, works in strange ways." Current plans are to open at the Vimilakirti Bar and Grill in Tucson sometime before the arrival of Manjusri, the Buddha of the Future.

Questioned about his motives at a packed press conference, His Holiness referred to significant passages in the Madhyamika scriptures and the Heart Sutra which made reference to "no self, no body", and chuckled when he suggested that he might prove a disappointment, since he was not as young as he once was. "In Buddhism we sometimes meditate on the image of our rotting bodies, filled with pus and covered in worms, so as to prevent temptation and lust. I urge all audiences to do the same, and will endeavour to promote such images in my future work." He had high hopes for a routine with yak butter he had been working up for some time to verses from the Tibetan Book of the Dead. His agent, Lama Longchem Rabjampa said that it had "wowed them" at the Dharamasala Holiday Inn during previews.

When he was asked if he would share a ticket with Jesus Christ, currently making a run at the American Presidency, the Dalai Lama said that in The Middle Way, balance was everything, but he wanted to concentrate for the moment on his new career. At this point he stopped and concentrated for a moment on his new career. Then he hegan again.

Spokeswoman Mary Magdalene for the Jesus camp said that His Holiness was a serious contender for the Veep nod, but He was not seen to be "Judeo-Christian" enough, and two non-violent canditates on the same ticket would cause problems with the impending resurgence of the Star Wars defence proposal, and the need to win industrial states with substantial defence contracts. She did point out that she herself had at one time been a stripper, and it had done her career no harm. "What do the Buddhists say? -- "Let me be a raft to bear all the suffering of all beings away" -- Our campaign can go with that. Stay tuned."