From the sheet music—see tijuanatime's link above. (Thanks!)

I COULDN'T
Arthur Lloyd
London: Hopwood & Crew, 1887.

1. I went to see some dear old pals of mine the other night,
And we'd drinks and smokes and jolly jokes, and I fancy I got tight.
When I got home, 'twas half past three, or rather, nearly four.
I found my latch key and I tried to open the street door.

CHORUS 1: I couldn't! I couldn't! I'll not tell you a lie.
I couldn't! That's a fact, and so the truth I'll not deny.
It's no use me deceiving you. Upon my word, I wouldn't.
I tried to get the latch key in, but 'pon my soul I couldn't!

2. I couldn't find the keyhole, though very hard I tried,
When all at once the street door was thrown open very wide.
There stood the missus, who exclaimed, "You nasty, horrid man!
I can see what you've been at. You're tight. Deny it if you can."

CHORUS 2: I couldn't! I couldn't! I'll not tell you a lie.
I couldn't! That's a fact, and so the truth I'll not deny.
It's no use me deceiving you. Upon my word, I wouldn't.
I tried to say I wasn't tight, but 'pon my soul I couldn't!

3. I shut the door, looked dignified, and tried to walk upstairs,
But my dignity was dropped, and so was I, quite unawares.
My foot caught in the carpet, and down I went full stretch.
My wife said, "This is dreadful, James! Get up, you horrid wretch!"

CHORUS 3: I couldn't! I couldn't! I'll not tell you a lie.
I couldn't! That's a fact, and so the truth I'll not deny.
It's no use me deceiving you. Upon my word, I wouldn't.
I tried my hardest to get up, but 'pon my soul I couldn't!

4. At last she got me up the stairs and into the bedroom,
And said, "You've made me feel so faint, I know that I shall swoon."
I sat down on a chair and oh! the pains in my poor head!
My wife said, "James, undress yourself at once and go to bed."

CHORUS 4: I couldn't! I couldn't! I'll not tell you a lie.
I couldn't! That's a fact, and so the truth I'll not deny.
It's no use me deceiving you. Upon my word, I wouldn't.
I tried to take my garments off, but 'pon my soul I couldn't!

5. Now I never was teetotal, and I never drink too much,
But spirituous liquors from that night I never touch,
And I feel so much better that, upon my word, I think
That coffee, tea and chocolate from this time forth I'll drink.

CHORUS 5: I couldn't! I couldn't! I'll not tell you a lie.
I couldn't! That's a fact, and so the truth I'll not deny.
It's no use me deceiving you. Upon my word, I wouldn't.
I've tried to be teetotal, but 'pon my soul I couldn't!