And when you've got over the embarrassment, Emma...you can read this...the NEW and LATEST Orwellian Register!

Hate Register to log UK children's taunts from 5 years old

(I would have linked to the Daily Mail's article on that, which is a little better, but of course, you'd have kittens about that, being a Paperist. So I thought this one would calm your shattered nerves a little more)

Great ain't it!!!

A little 5 year old, says something in complete innocence, not knowing what it means. He's told by his teachers, and they then log his words on to the new fun register, where those words remain until he leaves school so that he is privately 'branded' a nasty little shit by 'those who know all about these things'

You truly couldn't make it up really, could you?   

Cool Britannia is Rocking with Insanity, folks.


"Settle down, children. It's time to call the Register."

"Ooh, Miss, wot one are we 'avin' today?"

"We're having The Hate Register, Jimmy, that's the one I like best, because it gives me the chance to not only let you children know what a nasty bunch of little shits I think you are, but for me to prove it!! Yes, Jimmy, I can now PROVE it, you see, because I've been writing down every word you've ever said that upset me!"

"But, Miss....I only said you looked like a Russian Shot Putter, 'cos you do, Miss!"

"Be quiet, Jimmy! I have you now! I have you on The Register, and I'll make damned certain that it follows you to your GRAVE! Do you hear me?"

"Yes, Miss"

Jimmy sighed and whispered to his mate, "I suppose this is still better than when she takes 'The Home Educators Register' because that one makes her froth at the mouth and all those muscles in 'er arms stand out, almost as much as the ones on 'er neck"

Alfie tried not to laugh.

"'Ere, Jimmy, wot you like, eh!"

Jimmy winked...

Miss B was frothing quietly at her desk...and her lips curled up into a sick smile as she addressed the little boy..

"Jimmy James, did you, or did you not, tell Miranda Posethelwaite that she was a Lesbian, last Tuesday morning?"

"Yeah, Miss, course I did. She looked just like that girl on Eastenders, Miss, that's why..and she was a Lesbian, Miss. See?"

Miss B smirked, picked up her pen and wrote "Sexist Bigot!" beside Jimmy's name....and her mouth curled up, ever so slightly at the corners....

Jimmy was thinking about watching Blue Peter when he got home and whether his Mum would give them fishcakes and chips for tea....He loved those. His mouth began to water at the mere thought....

And behind the desk, Miss B's mouth was watering, for very different reasons...