What did I learn from others who went before me?

My first thought is that I learned to not hesitate in my treatment. My sweetest great, great aunt had signs, really obvious signs that something was wrong and yet she opted to not go to the Dr. As a result, she died.

I learned from a woman named Grace who I used to deliver Meals on Wheels to that it really is up to each person to decide if they want to seek medical treatment. Although I disagreed with her, she had watched her husband suffer through medical tortures for 8 years in search of a way to help him live longer. She did not want to put herself through that and decided to just live each day as it came on her own terms. I developed an intense respect for her.....not so much of an understanding in agreement kind of way, but an understanding that maybe some people CHOOSE NOT to get treatment for their own reasons based on something other than fear.

Al. A man who lived life in a BIG way. He worked hard and played harder. When he found out he had cancer, he made a visit to Father Cootiesniffer and set whatever things right that he had in mind. I know he suffered greatly in his final days. I don't know what I learned from his being sick other than losing someone you love that much hurts for years and his picture still remains beside my mother's bed.

Jackie. Never knew she was sick until she was almost gone. She chose to keep things to herself and that's ok too. We all have to deal with this the best we know how...for her, it was keeping things tucked away.

Bette. Bette never gave up. She went through countless treatments, sought out second and third opinions, she spent months recooperating from certain procedures and she kept going. She went to auctions, she made the annual trip to the lake with her gal pals, she kept teaching and coaching, she had her portrait taken in her favorite colors, she went out without her hat when she was bald....her spirit was always UP. I found myself sometimes thinking that I couldn't imagine she was sick.....she sparkled and laughed. And then one day, she just couldn't do it anymore and she was gone. Her body gave out long before her spirit did.

I met someone yesterday at Matt Baker's office while I was getting my handicapped sticker (yep...temporary for the days when my bones hurt)...she helped me fill out the paperwork (can't write much at a time for now as my fingers all tingle and are kinda numbish) and when I went to leave, she gave me a card to keep in my wallet that lists all the things that cancer can't do.

I spent over an hour on the phone yesterday with a woman who will be speaking on Wednesday night at American Cancer Support Group Meeting (at SSMH if you want to go). She and I actually connected through a friend of a friend when I first started down this road. She is a teacher of nurses...she knows the technical nitty gritty stuff and she often scared me with information, although it really was stuff I needed to know. Now, she answers my questions that I have after being entrenched in this stuff. Are my bones becoming brittle due to this treatment that hurts me so much? Can I take XYZ vitamins? How do I stop this? What do you think of that? She is a source of information, love, prayer, encouragement and firm believer in passing it forward. She is a survivor of ovarian cancer, staged higher than mine...10 years now and going strong. She is an inspiration to me and I am thankful for her.

Tracy. A new friend with a Stage 4 diagnosis who does everything with grand style and a blunt attitude that lays it all on the line, telling it like it is and making the daily choice to get in as much fun as she can.

There are more people, for sure.....Kristy, the mother of 4 with Stage 4 cancer and her husband who sits calmly beside her in chemo....both of them calm, full of love and openness to talk to a newbie who is so scared she can't breathe.

I could go on and on....all these people with so much to offer and have been given a crap hand to deal with...they inspire me and help me to find the calm within myself when I'm just about absolutely sure there isn't any calm left anymore.

If I've learned anything at all so far, it's that the things you THINK are important, ususally aren't with the exception of your faith and love of those around you. All that petty stuff? All those deadlines? All those bills that are due? Snide comments from people in a huff? All the inconviences? They are nothing.

The hand to hold during a painful procedure? A card in the mail? A long hug and a box of Kleenes? Someone saying a prayer for you? Laughing until you cry? Someone who calls every day to check on you? Someone who doesn't get frustrated when you cry? Someone who rejoices in a good blood test result? Someone who drives you to your appointment even though you are sobbing like a baby and screaming that you don't want to go without telling me to shut up? Someone who makes sure you have something to eat when you can't manage to get enough oomph to get yourself to the kitchen, let alone cook something? Someone who will go out of their way to pick up some groceries for you or a prescription? Someone who remembers to ask the Dr. questions that you wanted to ask but forgot? And someone who will let you fall completely into their arms when the world is so painful and scary and offer you nothing but love and reassurance?

THAT IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT!!

Michelle