As for it looking a little different now...of course it does. I'm the one in the big chair. I'm the one covered in bruises, the one who can't sleep peacefully, the one who has to leave some places because the smell makes me sick, the one who craves pie, asks for it, Pete makes it and then I can't eat it, the one who loves to bend her body into pretzels and can't do it anymore...at least for now, the one who has to look at the port needle so I'm sure no medical professional ever puts in a different kind of needle (port needles are thick, bent and a little over an inch long...scary looking things), the one who has to now ask for rides and help, the one who had to think just this morning if she had enough energy to ride to Wegmans and go to lunch, the one who has to schedule time with friends according to when her immune system is up and even then it's a crap shot to if I'm feeling well. I could go on and it's not a pity party...it's just the fact of my life at this moment.

Now I'm the one who has to decide if I'm well enough and will be well enough to bring a baby into this house. Will I be able to care for a baby properly for a long time to come? Would Pete be ok raising a baby on his own if need be? I'm the one who has to remember now that the cancer is gone. It is OUT OF MY BODY. Chemo, harsh though it may be, is a preventative in my situation. I am going through this to wipe out any remote possibility of any lingering microscopic cells in my body. I know it's working too as my hair has all but fallen out completely....it's killing the fast growing hair cells and it's killing any other fast growing cells too...INCLUDING CANCER CELLS.

Sometimes I take photos of where I am in my treatment from right where I'm sitting....in a hospital bed, in the chemo chair, in the car....but just a photo of what I can see from where I sit....this is my life kind of photo.

One of the largest differences being in the cancer seat instead of a friend/family/caregiver seat is that I have to make the decision every day to get up and live my life, focus on what is good, to enjoy my day and not take it for granted. I am thankful for every second that I am feeling well, all the laughter I can find and all the love in my life.

Michelle