John F. Weldon's version deserves to be transcribed and displayed here.

SPOILER ALERT! I think the song is funnier if you hear it before you see it. I recommend you do that before you read the following lyrics—see the link above.


S-A-V-E-D
(John F. Weldon)

There's a guy in our town, B-R-O-W-N.
He prays for prohibition but he votes for G-I-N.
He helps to put the p'ison in his neighbor's C-U-P,
And yet he has the brass to say he's S-A-V-E-D.

Well, it's G-L-O-R-Y to know I'm S-A-V-E-D.
I'm H-A-P-P-Y 'cause I'm F-R-double-E.
I once was B-O-U-N-D with the chains of S-I-N,
But it's V-I-C-T-O-R-Y to know I've Christ within.

There's a man in our town reads the Bible through and through.
He prays for peace but votes for war against I-R-A-Q.
He'll fight to get the G-A-S to fill his S-U-V,
And yet he has the brass to say he's S-A-V-E-D.

I want you all to know that I'm S-A-V-E-D,
And when I D-I-E, I'll play a new H-A-R-P.
I'll be in G-L-O-R-Y, but you'll be in a fix
When you're headin' down to H-E-double-hockey-sticks.

I went to see my neighbor, that's B-R-O-W-N.
I brought the B-I-B-L-E. He served me G-I-N,
And then S-C-O-T-C-H, and then some R-Y-E.
We sang out "Hallelujah!" We were F-A-C-E-D.

I'd like you all to know that I'm F-A-C-E-D.
I'm H-A-P-P-Y 'cause I'm T-I-G-H-T.
Some say I've got D-I-P-S-O-M-A-N-I-A,
But I prefer to think I'm just a D-R-U-N-K.

There's some M-U-S-I-C that rises out o' hell.
It's called H-E-A-V-Y M-E-T-A-L.
What the L-Y-R-I-C-S mean, I'd have to guess,
'Cause they're sometimes singin' backwards, praisin' N-A-T-A-S.

I'm not A-F-R-A-I-D that someday I may die.
In heaven, M-U-S-I-C is F-O-L-K-Y.
There's one T-H-I-N-G that Y-O-U should know:
I'll go U-P to Heaven with my B-A-N-J-O.

No B-U-D-D-H-I-S-T floundering in Zen
Will rise up like a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N,
And bound for H-A-D-E-S the new-age D-E-C-
O-N-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-O-N-I-S-T.

And if you know what I mean when I say T-R-A-N-
S-U-B-S-T-A-N-T-I-A-T-I-O-N,
Your soul will never feel the F-I-R-E-S of Hell.
You're S-A-V-E-D and can S-P-E-L-L.