Why did the blonde stare at the bottle of orange juice for two hours? Because the label said concentrate."

"Fellas, why don't you go home tonight, grab a handful of ice, throw it down the missus's top and say 'How about that for a new chest freezer?' "

"I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher'. And it was during the bingo."

"Do great comedians come in cycles? Yes, some do, but others prefer to walk to work.

"I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. No one has ever seen her lips move."

"I wouldn't part with my teeth. I'm the only patient who can sit in the dentist's waiting room and have his teeth checked at the surgery at the same time."

"I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."