Ok. Today is better. Not by much, but it is better. I have NOT been tracking this time and I should. Thank you for the reminder. It will be useful for after my next treatment.

I did a LOT arounnd the house today and am feeling better about my environment. My mom picked me up and we went grocery shopping. We went to one store, I spent about $100.00....really needed to go shopping...it was getting to be slim pickin's around here....and she brought me home. She asked about going somewhere else but I am beyond tired. No motorized buggy so I hobbled....now my knees are throbbing but they are UP and I am done for the day. Groceries are 98% put away. Floors are swept, dishes done, bed made, laundry sorta done, table found, living room looking like a living room and not a catch all room.....I'm ok with just collapsing for the rest of the day. I know I did too much. I know I pushed. At least I feel alive today.

Bobert, someone once said that you are always right.....I'm counting on it my friend. Give me a sink full of dishes to do, laundry to fold, a meal to make, a card to write, a friend to call.....all with no pain and I'll not ever complain again. I live to take care of the people I love. And about this being like a 15 round heavyweight fight that goes to the end...all I can do is hang on and do my best. This, my friends, is my best, for today.

I had NO idea it would get this way. I thought that I did ok through the first couple of treatments and that was how it was going to be. My Dr. warned me that I would get more and more tired....he said they are kicking me down harder each time so it makes sense that the struggle to get back up each time would be more difficult. I just thought I could do it. No problem. Yeah. Stupid me. REALLY stupid me. What the hell was I thinking?

I think perhaps this very naive view comes from watching a very dear friend go through treatments for years. Her name was Bette. She was ALWAYS up. No matter about the surgeries. No worries about the pathology. No signs of pain.....slowed down sometimes but she was ALWAYS going. Sometimes I found it hard to believe that she was sick because she just sparkled. Then one day her body just gave out. Her spirit could no longer be contained and she was gone. She is my inspiration.....always an upbeat, positive attitude to the world. I know I haven't had that lately, but it IS what I want.....I apparently have the built in need to whine and cry. Sometimes, like many of you have pointed out, I just need to cry...I feel better after I do. I always seem to feel like I need to apologize for it. My priest (Hi Capt. Cootiesniffer) says that if I need to cry, then cry. So what if it makes other people uncomfortable?

I'm rambling. Overtired. In pain. Eating peanutbutter from a spoon and sucking on a giant iced tea.

And Stilly? The book arrived yesterday, Pete brought it in when he got home (LONG driveway...HE gets the mail when I hurt)....it's PERFECT!!!   And having lived in Atlanta for a time, I can relate to the southern aspect of it...just the title made me giggle. I'll be tucking into bed with it later today. THANK YOU!!!!

Ok. I need a nap. Getting out of the house was good. Exhausting but good.

Love to you all!!!

Michelle