I am sure you are right Susan. I'm sure I didn't hear much of what was said. I recall feeling like I'd been hit by a giant speeding train....BAM....and stunned. I remember Father Cootiesniffer coming to Mom's house the day I got my intial news......he tried to talk to me but I had no idea what to say. No idea what to think. No idea what to feel....never felt so numb in my life.

I do recall my surgeon telling me I was Stage 1. For the longest time, he wouldn't say if I was going to be ok. Finally, about a month ago, he apologized that this has been so traumatic for me and he said, "You are going to be good." My chemo oncologist says I am Stage 2A...only because 2 organs were affected. I don't know if this is because there was cancer found on both ovaries or if it is because I had cancer in my uterus...completely separate cancers btw.....NOT a spread of one to the other.

I know that this morning I had said something about wishing I knew how much cancer was seen on each ovary....and how I wish they had taken or tested or whatever they do with lymph nodes. Pete said my surgeon didn't think it was necessary and that he would be able to tell visually.....I don't know about that. What I do know is that he is the head of the OB/GYN Oncology department and is a nationally recognized surgeon in the ovarian cancer arena. I feel very confident about my surgeon and trust him implicitly. Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I guess that's kind of how the topic came up this morning.

If I did allude to it earlier, I have forgotten. If I have forgotten, I wish someone would have reminded me of it more frequently....maybe it would have relieved some intense worry time for me. But then again, if I was told this once, why would someone repeat it to me? I know some people dispute the idea of chemo brain but I'm here to tell you that my memory, especially my short term memory is shot. You'd think I'd remmeber something so important to my well being. I think that one of the reasons I write so much...not just here but on my blog as well is so I DO have a memory of this....where I've been, what my thoughts are, how I was able to work through things. Not terribly long ago, I started reading what I've been writing since December. What stands out the most is that I knew....deep down, I KNEW something was horribly wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I think my panic and anxiety was because I knew the news was bad....and waiting as long as I did for that to be confirmed was absolute hell for me. I had to stop reading my blog because it just brought all that up for me, including the panic.

I have been taking an antidepressant since January but recently read that some antidepressants reduce the effectiveness of chemo. I called my oncologist right away and he said the one I am taking is fine and I have nothing to worry about. I have stopped taking them anyway. The idea that it COULD reduce the effectiveness of my chemo....that it's possible that I'm not getting the full benefits of this process (which can be pure hell at times)...well, I'm not willing to take that chance. At all. Period. So...we shall see what my reaction is but really, I think I'm doing ok in that arena. I know I get panicky every once in awhile....but I think that's probably normal for anyone with a cancer diagnosis.

I'm rambling. Sorry.

I was productive today....cleaned out one dresser and did some organizing in my closet....still a lot to do but I made a dent! Also had lunch with an old friend and spent the late afternoon with a new friend who I just love.....ever meet someone you instantly click with? Uh huh. That's Angie. :)

Anyway, I need to finish up some of the closet stuff.

Goodnight my friends.

Michelle

Michelle