It's a hard one to deal with for sure. I am not sure how I would have been affected had it troubled me to insanity before my daughter had grown up. I do kmow that, even now, I feel terrible over the effects I have had on her and my granddaughter's life. They deserved to have better things happen to them. So did my wife.

I always tried to drive a balance between my progress and seeing they were okay. That was made easy for me in them supporting and understanding my transition and the need to be who I was. THAT is why I cannot comment on someone who has been totally rejected by their family and friends, thrown on a heap and left to rot. That was not my experience.

Suicide is often a quick solution that comes into your head. "People would be better off with me and would be able to move forward". It was not a true option for me though as I knew what my forced death would do to others. I resented having to 'stick around' at times, for them, not being able to be me and not being able to be there for them. I have searched the depths of my own despondency to try and find compromise. But I always erred on the side of my own self interests, making me more selfish than I ever wanted to be, knowing that if I could where I needed to be then I would be able to care for those others better somehow.

Strange thing really. I would lie down and die for my daughter and granddaughter. I would sawp places with my wife if she could come back healthy and be happy. Yet I could not live as a man for them. I would sooner be dead than living as a man. I cannot explain it. It is so deep within my soma I gave up years ago trying to fight it. I don't really need to understand it it either.

All I ever need do is ask me who I am. I am me. End of story. I am sorry that me was such a selfish being though. All I can do now is try and make things better for others because I now have the energy, means and need to do that. I am one of the lucky ones.

anon