Sometime last night Mr Cameron received a phone call inviting him to a meeting. Mr Clegg received a similar call but to an appointment at a different time and place.

Cameron was shown into a nondescript room where he was confronted by a panel of grey men in grey suits. They told him, in no uncertain terms, what was expected of him and what the penalties would be for defying them. He was told that he was to govern according to three principles:

- To ensure that the rich get richer

- to give the rich very assistance in achieving their goals (and don't give us any crap about the environment etc - it's there to be ruthlessly exploited!!)

- To take as much money as possible from the poor and give it to the rich

Now f**k off and tell the oiks that you're going to govern according to three principles: 'freedom', 'fairness' and 'responsibility' - or any other meaningless drivel you can dream up.

As he left one grey man turned to another and said, "don't worry, he's a good boy - he was my fag at Eton you know - he'll do as he's told".