"Please help us Kansas Citians out with the lingo."

It's all quite simple really, so here goes.

Football is played by two teams or sides of 11 players each which are chosen from a squad of x number of players (the richer the club, the bigger the squad; for instance Viall ahve a squad of around 20 players whilst teams like United and Chelsea who have pots of cash have small armies of chaps ready to call up). The match, game, fixture or (in the case of cup competitions) tie is overseen by a referee and a linesman who is also called and assistant referee by FIA officials and a liner (or w*nker or other expletive) by fans. The game is played on a marked pitch also called a park and has two halves of 45 minutes each unless Manchester United are playing at home and are drawing when the second half goes on until they score and win. A score of nothing is called nil and if both teams don't score or score the same that's called a draw unless you are Manchester United when the ref was at fault. Rules to gen up on are when the goalie (keeper, goalkeeper) can handle the ball and the offside rule which no-one, least of all the players and refs can understand. Discipline is kept by the ref (except in United matches when he plays for them). Refs use cards to indicate the punishment for the offence; a yellow card for a serious infringement such as knocking a player down or a player taking his shirt off in goal-scoring celebrations (true); a red card for a very serious offence such as injuring a player or denying a goal-scoring opportunity. Players who receive red cards are sent off. If a red-card offence occurs in the box (an area of 25 yards around a goal) then a penalty is awarded unless the offence was by a Manchester United player in which case the ref puts his hands on his hips, smiles and rolls his eyes and calls him a very naughty boy and don't do it again. Everyone else gets sent off.

That's about it. To get maximum enjoyment from a match you might want to partake of one of Britain's great extant folk songforms, the football chant. These varied and often very witty ditties are frequently unique to each team's fans and they will have different versions for different opponents. Seeing as you'll no doubt be supporting your home side in Kansas then here's one to get you going:

To the tune of 'The Saints Go Marching In':

The whole of Man United went around to the pope