Sins,

   I might just put together a book when this is all done. Not only do I write here, but I have a private blog as well...one where many more details and fussing goes on.....keeps me sane! I also keep it so I can remember.....tried to read it from the start the other day but it was just too emotional for me.

   Speaking of emotional, last night after I had run errands all day for my mom, I decided to hit the grocery store in her town to pick up some water that was on sale. I ended up with a few more things but to make a long story short, I was looking at the salad dressings when I felt a hand on my shoulder and a Hey...how are you? I turned around to find someone I met early on in my cancer journey. We chatted a few minutes and then she said, "Have you heard the news?" Blank look from me. Nope. What news? She told me that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer for the 3rd time. Her husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer ON THE SAME DAY!!! Holy suckfest Batman!!! What's with that?!?!?!?   And then earlier in the day, Mom and I had stopped to visit some folks from our church...he had had prostate cancer and they told us about another friend from church that either has or had prostate cancer. He decided to get the seed radiation and had to drive over 2 hours every day to get to the hospital (that's just getting there!). So I'm beginning to wonder what in the world is going on? Why do so many people have cancer? Why is it such a big secret? I feel so blessed to have met all these people along the path but wonder why I had to be sick or they had to be sick for us to meet? It's almost like a secret society. For me, I am VERY open about it...you all know that. For me, being able to talk, share, learn and to give or receive support is a lifeline for me. Quite honestly, if I had to live with the panic and anxiety I felt in December until now, I don't know if I could have done it. I still have panic attacks and moments of severe anxiety but I'm learning how to get through those more and more....but had that fear been constant, I seriously doubt I would still be here. I can remember Pete telling me that I didn't need to worry about the cancer because I was going to have a heart attack long before I'd need treatment. It was bad for me...with that said, I know others are not wired the same as me...therefore, the lack of support or the idea of not seeking support or keeping their cancer privatenis ok with them. Still. It makes no sense to me. I'm thankful for each and every one of you who has helped me along, extended a hand, lent a shoulder, given me tissues....all of it!!!!
   I'm rambling, I know. I just don't get how there can be this entire community out there for people with cancer that most healthy people have NO idea about. I have to say, it's a WONDERFUL community filled with more compassion for one another than I've ever experienced in my life. I think it's sad that it can't be that way for everybody, all the time.
   My perceptions of my life, the people in my life, what's important to me (or maybe not so important after all) and I how respond to things have all changed substantially. I look different (from how I used to and also different from the norm in society) and I feel different. Does we all really need to go through something so dramatic to wake up?