The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #59418   Message #2912265
Posted By: Little Hawk
22-May-10 - 08:30 PM
Thread Name: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Those sten guns are the most horrible, innacurate little bastardized things. Dreadful. Here's what the boy needs:

Now, THAT's good firepower!

Eisley - Chongo was born in west central Africa, exact location not certain, to a roving band of forest chimps, sometime in the early 20th century, probably around 1913. He lived a merry life in the jungle into the early years of his adolescence, during which he developed a strong hostility toward Black Africans and Leopards and other such threats to his daily existence.

Being an ape with a keen curiosity and very good powers of observation, Chongo noted that the African tribesmen who were hunting him and his bandmates were making much use of handheld weaponry, including primitive rifles. He surmised that a chimp who mastered the use of these same weapons would be in a better position to defend himself, and in a better bargaining position, as it were.

Then came a stroke of destiny. A White hunting and trading party came through Chongo's area. Chongo was fascinated by the unusual appearance of these foreigners and the exotic equipment and clothing they were outfitted with. Furthermore, he noted that they appeared to have authority over the African bearers who were traveling with them.

By a series of carefully planned overtures, Chongo succeeded in befriending one of the Whites, and was duly accepted into their company as a sort of mascot. He quickly learned how to increase his popularity by "aping" human behaviour and language, wearing clothing, and using common tools. By the time the expedition returned to the coast, Chongo was not only well acquainted with the use of firearms and all the other common devices of the time, but was also speaking fluent English, Bantu, and Swahili. He had reached an uneasy truce with the Black Africans, and was soon given a job loading and unloading ships at the local port.

It was clear to Chongo that the main "action" lay not in the sleepy west African ports, but somewhere across that vast ocean that lay to the west, in a fabled land called "America". He got a job on a tramp steamer, a banana boat, and made landfall in New York City in the late 20s.

Chongo never looked back from there. A job as a stevedore got him through the first year on the New York waterfronts where Chongo came face to face with the endemic specism that has always haunted the "Land of the Free". He flirted briefly with organized crime on the streets of New York, but fortunately decided to cast his lot instead with the forces of law and justice.

Moving to Chicago during the violent years of Prohibition, Chongo hung out his sign as a "Primate Eye" and battled crime, vice, and lawlessness, rubbing shoulders with the likes of Elliot Ness and Melvin Pervis. He helped put Capone away and spent years battling racketeers, mobsters, and the notorious North Side Gorillas gang.

And he's still doing that sort of thing to this day. Yessir, you can thank Chongo for the fact that gorillas have not taken over the inner cities in America, and chimps can now run for public office, and "p**pflinging" has finally been recognized as the unacceptable specist term it is.