Dear Mr. Catspaw,

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding caller identification. Superior Telephone Control Systems(serving Ohio since early 2000) is pleased to offer the latest in telephone accessories designed to prevent the intrusion of pesky telephone solicitors.

We offer these high quality options:

For those occasions when you don't care to rise and interrupt your reading, or the practice of your mandolin in the most accoustically desirable room of you home, there's Flatulence Aimed from the Receiving Telephone (FART). This says "Leave me alone" in a big way. Our proprietary mixture of methane and propane is pumped from your telephone lines to the handset of the offending caller at the touch of a button. The gag reflex is stimulated in almost all cases. Studies have shown that call backs are reduced by 95% after the first exposure.

When you're awakened on a Sunday morning by someone trying to sell you another mortgage, you may wish to employ the Pneumatically Induced Nerve Crushing Headache(PINCH). A sharp blast of air transmitted down the phone line causes a momentary change in barometric pressure, causing the callers' ears to meet in the middle of his skull. Although phone solicitors do recover from this disincentive, they often seek another line of work, such as vinyl repair.

If you're troubled by callers who target your mealtime,we think you'll like our service which makes the telephone cord wrap around the caller's neck, causing a momentary loss of consciousness. With this option, you'll hear the beginning of the solicitation on your answering machine followed by quiet, and a dial tone. You'll say Strange, That Rat's Ass Never Gasped, Let's Eat.

We hope these options meet you needs.

No salesman will call.

Sincerely,

Otto Hornbein Director of Customer Relations