Okay, so ya wanna know, do ya? Okay then. First of all, Edgar Rice Burroughs was not writin' pure fiction when he wrote them Tarzan stories. No siree. He was talkin' about real events which was true...but he embellished the truth a whole lot and he made up stuff too. The basic story is reasonably accurate. There was this English baby human that got took from castaways that died unfortunately, and the baby was raised by a band of chimps. That's right, chimps. It's a damn good thing it was chimps and not gorillas, because the kid would never've amounted to nothin' if he got raised by gorillas. It was a mean gorilla that killed his parents, see? But a kindly female chimp saved the baby, and that baby grew up to be...wouldja believe...Lord of the Jungle? Ya wouldn't, would ya? Okay, he didn't exactly grow up to be Lord of the Jungle, but he still did more than okay for himself and earned a good place among both chimps and humans, not to mention a permanent spot in the books and movies. Not shabby at all.

Now, the sex part...well, I figure that Tarzan had lotsa sex with various chimpettes, that is my guess. I mean, why wouldn't he? They are good lookin', fun, uncomplicated in their demands, and if they're willin' only an idiot would say "no". You follow? This guy was not an idiot. If he was, he never woulda made it to puberty.

I had relatives who met this Tarzan guy in his prime, and they said he was a cool dude, not a bad tree climber, dynamite on climbin' vines, and had a yell that could scare the balls off a Cape Buffalo. He did at least half the stuff he is now famous for, and he did eventually go back to England and become a Lord there. He also fought for the rights of primates in human society. The best movie that's been made about him was the Greystoke one that had Andy McDowell in it (Hoo-Hah! I would invite her up to the treehouse ANY time.).   There was a French guy acting as Tarzan in that movie, and he did a great job.

You wanta know about Tarzan? Rent that movie. It is as close to the truth as you are gonna get.

- Chongo