An ugly woman: her face would make a freight train take a dirt road.

Not too smart: he's hitting on five cylinders.

Hotter than a two-bit pistol, hotter than a depot stove.

Hotter than hell's hinges. Busy as a one-arm paperhanger.

Raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with forgetting something.

A woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle.

Ain't no hoss that can't be rode, ain't no cabboy that can't be throwed.

Never ask a barber whether you need a haircut.

His brain is on vacation, but his mouth is working overtime.

NOTABLE QUOTES:

Never trust a barber, or a ventriloquist. -- W.C. Fields

Godfrey Daniel! -- W.C. Fields

Wagner's music is really not as bad as it sounds. -- Mark Twain