DON'T JUMP OFF THE ROOF, DAD
(New lyric by Garrison Keillor, 2000)

He came home from work feeling tired,
His boss had been driving him mad.
The kids were fighting, the dog bit him too
And supper was soy loaf and a lima bean stew.
When I started to practice piano,
Up to the rooftop he fled;
He was about to take a swan-dive,
When my dear little sister she said:

Don't jump off the roof, Dad,
You'll just make a mess in the yard.
The petunias are almost in blossom
And Mother's been working so hard!
It'll take us all summer to clean up
The blood and the guts and the gore;
Why not try carbon monoxide?
It's worked for others before.

So Daddy came down from the rooftop,
But Mother had taken the car.
He couldn't take poison, the thought made him sick,
And a BB gun just won't do the trick.
The sleeping pills in the bottle
Were not nearly enough as he'd need;
He grabbed some rope and he headed downstairs,
When my brother started to plead:

Don't hang yourself in the basement, Dad,
The water pipes can't take your weight;
There won't be hot water for showers
And tonight I have a big date.
Why hang yourself in the basement?
It's so much better with gas!
Just stick your head in the oven, Dad,
It's always worked in the past.

So Daddy came up from the basement
And he opened the big oven door,
But Sister was baking a pie, what a shame!
You can't bake a pie if you blow out the flame.
The knives were all dull in the pantry,
The arsenic in low supply;
So he took an electric fan to the bathroom,
When my sister started to cry:

Don't drop a fan in the bathtub, Dad,
It'll probably knock out the power
And "Who wants to be a Millionaire"
Comes on in just half an hour!
We'd die if we had to miss it,
So please won't you give us a break?
Just take a walk to the Park, Dad,
And there you can jump in the lake.

So Daddy went walking down to the Park,
He was planning to jump in the lake;
But before he reached the last act of this drama,
Someone called his name; he turned and saw Mother.
She had a new dress and hairstyle
And the blood all rushed to his head;
What a great night they had, and Daddy was glad
He'd listened to us when we said:

Don't jump off the roof, Dad,
You'll just make a mess in the yard.
The petunias are almost in blossom
And Mother's been working so hard!
It'll take us all summer to clean up
The blood and the guts and the gore;
So I guess you may as well just go on living, Dad,
Others have done it before.
Yes, you may as well just go on living, Dad,
Others have done it before.

Oh, Momma, don't kill Daddy with the breadknife.
'Twas given you the day that you were wed,
But if you must kill Daddy with the breadknife,
Please, Momma, use another knife for bread
.