If I were a cassowary
On the sands of Timbuctoo,
I would eat a missionary,
Coat and bands and hymnbook, too.

I would also, it seems, be a long way from home.

*

Once a lady on a trip around the world bought a parrot, but all it would say was "How's your a**hole?", which became less & less amusing as time wore on, so she mostly kept its cage covered. Eventually, the ship they were on sank, and as she settled in her lifeboat, she saw her parrot perched on a bit of driftwood. It made its usual greeting, to which the lady, understandably, replied, "Oh, shut up!" to which it replied, "Mine too. Must be the salt water."