Tsk! You are so wrong, Amos.

First of all, I said "air de-freshener" not "air freshener". An air de-freshener is designed to make a place smell worse not better. Capiche? My dog makes a place smell worse. A lot worse!

Next, you are again wrong in a number of ways.

Example 1: Penelope Rutledge

1. doorstop? No! She moves around too much.

2. bookend? No! Same reason as above.

3. paperweight? No! Same reason as above.

4. lawn ornament? Perhaps...if it wasn't for the fact that she moves around too much and wouldn't be willing to remain in one spot. Same reason as above, in other words.

5. vulture lure? Only if she was dead. And she isn't. My dog isn't either...but he appears to be, and that is the key.

6. industrial-strength air de-freshener? Certainly not! Penelope smells good.

7. bear or wolf bait? Theoretically, yes...but Penelope is much too smart to be used that way and she wouldn't allow it.

Your score on that one is ZERO, Amos.

Would you like some more examples?

Only my dog meets all of the criteria 1-7, I assure you. Shane would meet some of them, but only probably 2 or 3 of them...maybe 4 at the most.