Hell, they kept me from buying groceries last month because I spat on the sidewalk in 1964. Took me three weeks to clear it up and I lost 5 pounds.

Well, not really. Spaw, you need to go on a talk show. Write to Oprah, Sally Jessie, or Ellen DeGeneres or Danny Bonaduce. You might wangle a free trip to New York out of it, anyway.