Okay, I just don't have a lot of time for this stuff at the moment, so let's wrap it up. Here are the basic facts.

A couple of weeks ago Shane McBride suffered a sudden and fatal accident. He was attempting to flee the cops who were after him on multiple charges relating to selling a stolen truck, etc. He ran down an alleyway and straight into a functioning trash compactor which ground him up with the garbage, leaving nothing identifiable behind but one of his filthy workboots.

The boot was returned to his brother Don, along with Officer Dana's condolences.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your outlook, the Greys (space aliens from Andromeda) came to Shane's rescue. They need him alive for some vital purpose which they have not yet revealed. They recoverend all of Shane's bodily remains, plus half a ton of garbage, and began a sophisticated cloning and soul retrieval process.

Their first attempt went badly awry. They cloned a parrot from the bird's remains which were also in the garbage, and programmed Shane's personality into the bird. It swears constantly and demands beer and pizza. K'tankh, The science officer of the Greys, was deeply embarrassed by this screw-up. He was instructed by Commander Artixes to beam the parrot into a pet shop in the middle of the night. The bird ended up in a Sudbury pet shop which is now trying desperately to determine where the hell it came from and if it is saleable. It insults the customers and staff constantly, harasses young women by making vulgar suggestions, and is a real nuisance. Some people, however, find its behaviour "cute" and hilarious, so my feeling is that it will eventually sell for a hefty fee.

K'tankh made another try at cloning Shane and almost succeeded, but he didn't time the calibrations quite right. This resulted in the cloning of a young Canadian fool who looks and acts just like Shane in most respects, but his personality is overbalanced toward a love of heavy metal music and underbalanced in one or two of Shane's other salient points...such as the desire to steal snowmobiles and take them for joyrides on thin lake ice. Since the Greys cannot countenance destroying any life needlessly, they christened this person "Shawn McBaird" and have beemed him over to Vancouver. He will probably soon secure himself a legendary spot in the annals of really LOUD and offensive teen music and may become the new Kurt Cobai in time.

The 3rd attempt was the keeper. K'tankh finally got it all right and reproduced a perfect clone of Shane McBride. He then implanted all of Shane's soul, personality traits, and memories successfully. Everyone celebrated!

Shane's first words on regaining consciousness were, "Holy flip! That really flippin' hurt!" He then demanded a cold beer.

Shane is presently going through a couple of weeks of reorientation in the Greys' spacecraft to ensure that he adjusts successfully to his new life. The only things that appear different about him are:

1. He's clean! The Greys insist on him showering in the energy stall once a day, and that keeps him quite clean. It also gets him a bit high, so he has not objected too strenuously.

2. He now has a perfect set of teeth for the first time in his "adult" life! The cloning process naturally produces completely healthy new teeth, not decayed ones. This is going to make everyone who knew Shane doubt the evidence of their eyes when he returns home following the reorientation process. He can hardly believe it himself.

3. The Greys have provided him with clean clothes. They'll probably stay clean until he gets back to "the usual"...

And that's about it. Don is going to be overwhelmed when his little brother returns with a brand new set of teeth and all. I bet he'll burst into tears.

Other than that...

Corridus finally died peacefully last year at a very old age for a hamster, surrounded by his progeny, and having published a series of rodent romances that made him a legend among hamsters. Freddy the White Rat also passed on, having written the definitive biography of the amazing Corridus entitled "From Seeds to Riches".

Penelope Rutledge and Winston Wellington-Jones have taken to living in separate parts of Rutledge Mansion, and they barely ever speak to each other, but are both pursuing their own interests. Penelope may go on an extended trip to the Orient soon, as she is tiring of the local scene. Her niece Veronica is attending classes in Paris and managed recently to drive her latest Porsche into the Seine River, but she escaped before it sank. She is reputed to have had a series of scandalous affaires with rich young men all over Europe and is said to have the morals of a Skagway bargirl combined with the financial resources of Bill Gates. Where does she get the money? From Winston, I expect. He does it to annoy Penelope.

Chongo Chimp is the same as ever, out there pounding the pavement and defending truth, justice, and the Simian Way. He anticipates becoming president after Obama throws in the towel.

Hector Ballsworthy of the Independent Press continues to expose corruption in high places, unravel the mystery of Batboy, and uncover the great Reptilian plot to take over the world.

Olive and Eddie Whatnoll have moved back to 'Ull, and are feuding with their neighbours. Eddie is trying to get on "Britain's Got Talent" so he can demonstrate his ability to crush couches with his own body weight. Olive Whatnoll has discovered the Jacqueline Suzanne books and intends to read all of them so as to become "cultured loik the rich toffs wot finks they are bet'ter than 'ard-workin' people loik you and me".

Anything else like this that you need a quick update on, just ask me.