Oh, dear.

Amos, this will be hard for you, so please sit down in a nice, comfy chair. Probably best to have a big box of Kleenex handy, too. And believe me, I really really had to be the one to tell you this, but I'm going to.

Barbie is a doll. A toy. She's made out of plastic. She does NOT have a yellow tail and there is no queue for her. Amos, there IS no "Barbie Queue Yellow Tail." And she's way, way, too short for you anyway. And she's run around for years with this guy named "Ken" who is probably gay and/or a gigolo.

She's not REAL, Amos. Look, man, if you're broke up, remember that there are other dolls out there. Little Hawk would send you his Hillary or Sarah doll if you'd just ask him nicely if he'd share.

Now take a deep breath, blow your nose, wipe away your tears -- no, no, don't use the same Kleenex! -- and remember that not every hussy is for you. And ask LH for the loan of Hillary or Sarah, okay?