...No but I once wrote a song called 'Haemorroids? I've got piles of 'em?', about a friend of mine who had, his name is Ke.... well maybe I'd better not tell you? The chorus goes:

They're hurting, they're hurting,
me piles are killing me,
I'll have to go to t'doctors and let him have see,
They're hung down like a bunch o' grapes it's driving me deranged,
excuse me while I go and give me underpants a change!

if anybody wants the words...