Okay then.

If you're going to get married you should have a lousy time doing it. The two most directly involved should be brought screaming and trying to escape to the ceremony after having been pried and dragged from the reeking little holes in which they were trying to hide. The ceremony should be periodically broken by screams of "She can do better!" and "He's just a boy!" and "Aargh! Not him (or her)!" When the time comes to say "I do" the groom should say, "Wait a minute now!" and the bride should run screaming and crying to her mother for advice. When the presiding minister says, "Now I pronounce you..." the Best Man should scream, "Don't say it! He means so much to me!"

At the reception only Boone's Farm should be used and there should should be a pay-as-you-go bar serving only the cheapest liquor; the reception should be held in the local school gymnasium while basketball practice is going on. The menu should consist of rubber chicken, frozen peas-and-carrots, and a few pieces of wilted iceberg lettuce without dressing. Live music should be limited to little cousin Timmy playing his kazoo and someone who can almost play a banjo. The bride and groom will leave in separate cars for separate honeymoons.