Apologies if a similar thread has already been started; I could not find it.


Things to say at the security gate x-rays/pat-down:

"Hey, big boy. Looking's free. But if you touch me, it'll be $50."

"Hey, does this look like an airport bathroom?!!" (Remember erstwhile Senator Larry Craig.)

"You don't touch my naughty bits without giving me your phone number. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)"

"Look, sister. You don't float my boat, and my wife (or significant other) is the only one that touches me there."

{Passenger says while proceeding to take off ALL his/her clothes,} "Let me make it easier for you. Besides, don't you know those x-rays cause cancer?"

"You may look at me if Janet Paletano (Homeland Security Secretary) submits to a free look right here with me. For good measure, President Obama and 'W,' too"

"If you touch me, please do it slowly; I take a while to get off."

"Do you come here often?/What time do you get off?" (Oooo, double pun/double word score!)

"Funny, you don't look gay-ish."

"Please smile and face the camera my friend is holding so you will look good on Youtube."

"Can I have your job? It looks like much more fun than saying, 'Would you like fries with that?'"

"Please feel me to your satisfaction. I am glad to do my part saving America from unscanned cargo and hacker intrusion into the American infrastructure."

"Please do a thorough job. There are only three gazillion other passengers waiting for their turn. Lookit all of them smiling!"

"If I like it, will you come on the flight with me and pick up where we left off? It is a l-o-n-g flight, and the flight attendants just don't 'serve' like they used to."

"If I like it, will you come on the flight with me and pick up where we left off? It is a l-o-n-g flight, and I'll need some on-flight entertainment since they don't give out drinks anymore."

"I already did my bit for American security by voting Republican and being unemployed. Let me through."

"I'm looking forward to your soft touch. {Winks.} Ever since I got AIDS, noone else will touch me."

"Please give me whatever you find 'in there.' I lost something, and I can't even remember what it was."

"Please let my friend take a picture of the x-ray, so I can post it on my Facebook page. Oh, and I'll need to post your full name, too, so everyone knows that I am not promiscuous."

"Please let my friend take a picture of the x-ray. Oh, and I'll need your full name, too. I am a teacher, and I want to show my students the face of excessive government control of my life and creeping totalitarianism."

And on and on it goes. With deepest heartfelt sympathy for my son, who will have to go through this ritual privacy invasion "security theater" in a few days.