One more source: Handbook of Skits and Stunts by Helen and Larry Eisenberg (New York: Association Press, 1953), page 154.

This book has gone through many printings and is available in many libraries.

The whole book is viewable online at The Hathi Trust Digital Library.

[The oRIGinal is PRINted with EVery OTHer SYLlable in ALL CAPS, to emphasize the rhythm, but I will spare you that detail.—JD]


HE AIN'T DONE RIGHT BY LITTLE NELL

FARMER: 'Twas a dark and stormy night when my Nellie went away.
I never shall fergit it till my dyin' day!
She was jist sixteen, the village queen,
The purtiest little gal I ever have seen!
The farm ain't the same since Nellie went away.
The hens all died and the roosters won't lay.
There in my window hangs a light!
Forty below zero! Gosh, whatta night!

NELLIE: K-nock, k-nock, k-nock, k-nock! (Enters carrying bundle.)

FARMER: Who's that knockin' at my door?

NELLIE: It's yer little Nellie. Don't ye know me any more?

FARMER: Where's that acter feller that called yew honey?
Did he send yew home 'cause ye ast fer money?

NELLIE: He's a great big bum, and he lied with ease.
He had more wimmen than a dog has fleas!
He left me the night I was most ferlorn,
The very same night little Dummy wuz born!

FARMER: Is that there, Dummy?

NELLIE: 'Tain't no other!

FARMER: She's the spittin' image of yer dear old mother,
But ye cain't stay here with that there cheeild.
Listenin' to hit holler would jest drive me wild!

VILLAIN: Hoity, toity, me proud beauty! (He wears mustache, of course.)
Gimme Dummy, or I'll do mah duty!
Gimme the cheeild or I'll do yew harm,
'Cause I got the mortgage on the darggonned farm!

CONSTABULE: K-nock, k-nock, k-nock, k-nock! (He wears a huge badge, of course.)

FARMER: Who's that knockin'? Sounds like a mule!

CONSTABULE: I ain't no mule, yew dadburned fule.
Cain't ye see by my badge I'm a constabule?
What's goin' on here? Come an' tell!

FARMER: He ain't done right by my little Nell!

VILLAIN: O, yes I have....

FARMER: O, no ye ain't....

VILLAIN: O, yes I have....

FARMER: O, no ye ain't....

CONSTABULE: Yew stole his farm and ye left his daughter.
That ought to cost ye 'bout a dollar and a quarter!

ALL (speaking together): Which goes to show the price of sin.
Come back tomorrow night and we'll play East Lynne!

(ALL BOW LOW)