Right, here we go:

I'M GOING TO DROWN MY CAT
(Jem Patterson)

CHORUS
I'm going to drown my cat, then I'll smother it with my pillow,
He's pissed all round my hat and he's going to have to pay
Now I'm not into cruelty but when I've done dissecting it
I'm sending off the bits to the RSPCA

Fare thee well wee mog, you have widdled once too often,
I'm off to buy a dog that is clean and well behaved,
You never discriminated about the place where you urinated
So rest in P will be the epitaph above your grave

Chorus

To get you potty trained I have struggled till my strength
Just like your bladder has been drained all over floors, walls and stairs,
How your metabolism keeps booming when you produce more than you're consuming
Is really quite beyond me, so Kitty say your prayers

Chorus

I'll take my cricket bat which is made of finest willow
And sort you out with that, end my troubles at a blow
But I don't envy St. Peter as he waits at the gates to greet yer
You'll wait till he's not looking, then you'll widdle though his halo