(I came across this on google while searching for something else.)
Just so you know as Teribus has said, this is a Hawick song. Therefore a lot of the dialogue does not translate directly into Scots as Hawick (and other Border towns) have their own dialect which sounds about as crazy as it is read.
I was once sitting in Edinburgh at a pub with my friends from Hawick and we got asked what country we were from. What a cheek to be asked that from a fellow Scotsman!! :)