OK - I'm only gonna post this once- my own version:

THE DECK OF CARDS

Folks, during the North African campaign of the Mexican War of Independence, a group of soldiers had been out foraging for the elusive enchilada.
The next day being Sunday, they went to Church, and the text was taken up.
But one of the soldier-boys did not have a bible, so he took a deck of cards and spread them out.
A sergeant saw the boy, and said "Soldier, put away those cards!"
Afterwards, he was brought up before the Provost Marshal, Dillon, who asked, "Sergeant, why have you brought this man here?"
"For playing cards in church, sir."
"Great!" said the Provost Marshal, "Let's get started…Texas Hold 'Em or Blackjack?"
"No sir!" said the sergeant. "HE was playing cards in Church!"
"Oops!" said the Provost Marshal, Art. "What have you got to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, sir." Replied the soldier.
"I hope so." said the P.M. (S). "Or you shall be punished more than any man was ever punished."
"Sir," said the boy, "we have been on the march for weeks, pursuing the elusive enchilada, and I did not have my bible, sir, because it saved my life when it stopped a bullet aimed right at my heart, and then I couldn't read it, 'cause there was a great big hole right through all the pages. And all I had left was this old deck of cards.
You see, sir, when I see the Ace, I think of the bandage, or the place of the helpful hardware man.
And when I see the two, I think of the two parts into which this great world is divided – Red Sox Nation and the Evil Empire.
When I look at the three I think of the blessed trinity - Guinness, Harp and Smithwicks.
And when I see the four, I think of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and not one of them ever won the Kentucky Derby, though Pestilence had great workout times.
When I see the five I'm reminded of the Marx Brothers before Zeppo and Gummo left them.
When I look at the six, I see the number of legs on a dog and a half.
And when I see the seven, I think of the number of legs on an amputee octopus.
The eight reminds me of the miracle of the amputee octopus who went to Lourdes and got his leg back.
And when I see the nine, I think of the nine months my mother carried me when I was twenty-three.
The ten reminds me of the number of apostles left after Judas buggered off and Thomas had been fired for doubting.
The Jack or knave, is of course, Karl Rove.
When I see the Queen, I think of Helen Mirren,
And the King is a hunka-hunka burnin' love.
There are fifty-two cards in a deck of cards, the number represented by the Roman numerals LII.
There are four suits in a deck of cards: class-action, frivolous, blue pinstripe and orange jump.
There are twelve picture cards, the exact number of eggs in a dozen.
There are thirteen tricks in a deck of cards, the number of tricks in the DC madam's little black book that aren't politicians.
When I count the number of spots in a deck of cards, I come up with three hundred and sixty-five, the number of spots on the endangered Himalayan snow leopard, give or take seven or eight spots.
So you see sir, my deck of cards serves me as a bible, an almanac, an encyclopedia and also as a deck of cards.

And folks, this story is true. I know, because I heard it on Fox news.