Don't Mess with Elmo


In the south side of the Union
In the town of Winter Park
There was a badass dude named Jerry Jumper
Who liked to dress up for a lark.
Sometimes he'd dress like Santa
Sometimes like Mister Clean
And sometimes he'd dress like a giant Elmo
But the dude was always mean.

He's mean, Jumpin' Jerry Lee
Fastest man in the territory
He's softer than a girlfriend's couch
But he's meaner than a Muppett Grouch

Now Jerry had a girlfriend
Who was quite a thing to see
But she had a thing about furry monsters
And it gave her fits, you see.
So Jerry would be careful,
He was a kind and loving toff
And whenever he went to see Juliana
He'd take his costume off!

He's mean, Jumpin' Jerry Lee
Fastest man in the territory
He's softer than a girlfriend's couch
But he's meaner than a Muppett Grouch

But Sunday, he was tired
And forgot where he was at,
And he wandered home in an Elmo costume
And walked into his girlfriend's flat!
Well, he walked into the livingroom
And much to his surprise
He saw Juliana sighing with her eyes closed shut
In the arms of the cable guy!

He's mean, Jumpin' Jerry Lee
Fastest man in the territory
He's softer than a girlfriend's couch
But he's meaner than a Muppett Grouch

Well, Juliana opened her eyes
And she jumped up in her quilt
And she started screaming her damn fool head off,
Full of panic, fear and guilt!
Now, the cable guy was a toughie
And the girls all called him Dan
And he jumped up naked and he started yelling
Just to prove he was a man!!

He's mean, Jumpin' Jerry Lee
Fastest man in the territory
He's softer than a girlfriend's couch
But he's meaner than a Muppett Grouch


Now Jerry figured it was time
He went off to sort things out
So he hit the button on the elevator
Hit the street and headed south.
He wandered past the corner
Of a store called "Guitar Thumbs"
And to blow off steam, he just wandered in
And sat down to beat on the drums.

Now Dan the man didn't understand
'Bout Juliana's neurotic streak
So he promised he'd find that invading Muppett
And send him into next week!
So he pulled on jeans and a tee shirt
And headed down the street
Looking all 'round for a Big Blue Elmo
To hammer, kick and beat!

Well he found him an Elmo in the guitar store
Just a banging on the drums,
And he hollered "Bud, if you're looking fer trouble,
Get ready, because here it comes!"
So the two men took to fighting
And when that fight was done
Poor Dan he looked like a bathroom window
With a coupla pieces gone.

Cuz He's mean, Jumpin' Jerry Lee
Fastest man in the territory
He's softer than a girlfriend's couch
But he's meaner than a Muppett Grouch
Mean, Jumpin' Jerry Lee
Fastest man in the territory...(fade out)