Steve,
I myself am a Christian and I find that if I let Him, God shows me the way I should go. A lecturer at University asked me what I wanted to do next and I told him that I didn't know but I will be where God wanted me to be....God opens doors and closes doors. My lecturer told me that perhaps sometimes I needed to "push" the doors open. My response was "but sometimes the doors are locked!"
While you're struggling at the moment with what to do, maybe you should stop and listen and the opportunities given to you may be God's direction for you.
I am grateful that there is someone guiding my life for me....it hasn't been an easy life so far (and I'm only 32!!) but to keep in mind the text "All things work together for good to them who love God" has kept me going! That doesn't mean that I cope with anything better than someone without a faith cos I'm still human and have all the same feelings and emotions. I've made bad choices and decisions but the knowledge that God accepts me for the person I am, gives me real comfort.

Steve, the ability to play music is a God-given gift and it is also a powerful ministry, think of it as a "different type" of preaching His word...still giving Him glory.

As you've requested, will pray for you.
Hopefully your apology has helped you as you must have felt it an important thing to do....
May you find inner peace, Yvonne.