The following is an important Christmas tip from the Guide to Bad Parenting:


Tip 7-Christmas and the Naughty and Nice List Part 1
It's that time of year when you are actively encouraged to max out your credit cards, or over draw your bank account in order to gain the loving materialistic smiles for just a few hours on Christmas morning. It's that time that lawyers wait all year for with their drooling lips and sweaty palms for the business such holiday cheer is always sure to bring, the drunken idiots driving after their company parties, the family brawls, and the post Christmas bankruptcies. It's that glorious time of year for you to wade through mountains of sale ads, rudely pushing your way through walls of equally rude people, having the same crappy songs force repeatedly into your ears as you stand in a checkout line that stretches a block and a half long. It's time for you to shop for your child's Christmas present.....or is it?

As a parent, I know how hard it can be to find the right gift for your children. I have it a bit harder because I have to ship it overseas. I think we've all been there, navigating through congested car parks, cursing at anyone and anything that slows us down or steals the spot we're trying to park in, bashing people with elbows, only to come out tearing at your hair in frustration, empty handed because they have the same over priced cheaply made crap brought to you by slave labour in China or Indonesia as every other place, and none of it is remotely like anything you really want to get for your child.

Now, in this day and age, with the grand holy temple of the internet, there is no need to be shoving your way through immobile crowds, overdosing on nauseating saccharin tunes, standing in line trying not to piss your pants, because you forgot to go to the rest room after that last beer you had for lunch. No, all you have to do is sit in front of your computer, and do all your shopping at home, naked if you desire. Unfortunately, it does tend to come with shipping charges that in some cases are exorbitant for what you are actually purchasing. That being said if you have family overseas in a country that is not a war zone, you may be better off finding items in the country of their residence. It saves on the shipping rip off charges.

But that could be for later. What we need to do right now is to figure out what to get for your little monsters, if anything. I know that your inclination is to spoil the brats worse than they already are, no matter how beastly their behaviour has been during the previous year. Basically, it amounts to bribing their selfish natures for a few hours, until they break their toys with their exuberance. This sends the wrong message. It's a waste of money that could be spent better on strippers, grass, and beer.

But, what we will need to do first is figure out the naughty and nice list. The chances are very slim that your little vicious hooligans will have any prayer of even getting an honourable mention on the nice list. Most likely, if your child is on the nice list, because he or she has done nothing wrong the preceding year, they are either little golden creatures of pure joy, much like my nephew the Cackling Bandit, or they are a changeling, (ie switched at birth by the faeries) and so are unnatural beings that you may want to bribe anyway just to be sure to stay safe. That being said if your children children do not live with you, but with their other parent, or with their grandparents, they automatically gain acceptance on the nice list. So be sure to spoil them, it's not like you'll have to deal with it anyway.

First of all, let's go ahead and deal with the almost sure thing of the naughty list, and what to do when your child's name is printed on it. Your best bet would be to get them the standard coal. Yeah, I'm quite aware it is a highly unoriginal answer to your desperate prayers, but with all these folkloric tales of Santa Claus and his naughty and nice lists your children will certainly get the message. If you are unable to find any real coal, charcoal will definitely work in a pinch, plus it's much cheaper. I gave some to my mother once, wrapped up in a box, and she tried to wield her sword of guilt, as a response, over me for many years, but she didn't realise for some reason that I have no conscience, and guilt is an unknown emotion for me.

However, if you wish to be more creative, there are a few things you could try. Be warned though, they will cost a fair bit of money.

Solution #1:

First of all, you can buy some real nice toys and other gifts for your children. Yes, I know it can be expensive especially in these days of tight wallets and high unemployment, but read on if you will and you will see the madness in my solution has merit. As I stated before you can purchase all sorts of nice toys; dolls, action figures, play sets, video games, and the like. Then, you can stow them some where the curious little monkeys you grudgingly call your children may easily find them and be awed by your generosity, for instance closets are the perfect place for this. I would suggest buying some clothing items they don't really want such as socks and underwear, and storing them with the toys. This will make them positive that the bags are all for them. Then, one fine raining Saturday morning, when the brats want to do nothing but play video games or watch the stupid crap they pass off as children's programming these days, you can gather up your two legged pests and the toys and games you bought (but leave the socks and underwear) and head on down to your local Toy N Joy drop off point, and donate them to children more deserving and who would be happier with their gifts than your own ill natured scavengers. After this, you can just sit back on your drive home, smiling at your generosity and your accomplishments as your kids weep and moan on your trip home, as you reflect with gleeful anticipation for the coming Christmas morning when your scamps have nothing to unwrap save for lousy socks and underwear.

Solution #2

This idea isn't so spendy, but it will require some hard work and imagination on your part. What I am suggesting for you to do is find some empty toy boxes or containers, boxes labeled with such things as Barbies, Legos, Star Wars, Harry Potter, or whatever toy or games that has your child drooling in anticipation. Game system boxes work great for this solution.

Then, you get gift certificates to some restaurant that specialises in cooking nasty gobs of unclean fat, and call it food; ie McDonald's. I suggest five one dollar certificates for each child. You put one certificate in each box, and fill it up with wadded newspaper or expired adverts and junk mail. Close your eyes and imagine with glee as your child filled with excitement unwraps a box and sees the words "Nintendo WII" or "Playstation 3" printed in big letters on the cardboard exterior, only for their face to fall in tearful disappointment as they realise it was filled with naught but scraps of paper and a lousy one dollar gift certificate to McDonald's. Note as an alternative to these gift certificates to some place guaranteed to fatten up your child as if they'll be the Christmas roast (hmmmm really not a bad idea), you can give them depleted yet rechargeable gift cards to your favourite bookstore and tell them that while there is no money currently on it, you will add their allowance to it, if they do their chores every week.

Solution #3

Now this one happens to be my personal favourite. You purchase the gifts for your children, like you normally would, the toys and whatnot, and wrap them up, and place them under the tree and watch your children gaze longingly at the gifts wrapped prettily beneath the green branches filled with bulbs and flashing lights, and chortle silently to yourself as you think on the coming Christmas morning.

Then, the big day comes....and your little barbarians are sitting around the tree, waiting for you to give them permission to litter the house with torn wrapping paper and unread cards, to get at the goodies within. You tell them they have to wait for whoever; gramma, aunts/uncles, cousins, or daddy, or whoever you are bringing over that day.

Now, we know that while most parents if they dress up as anyone at all will be dressing up as Santa Claus. I disagree with this ploy with all my heart. However, you should still dress up, but instead of the white man in red, you should dress up as the green man in red. Yes, I am talking about that dreaded small hearted icon of modern Christmas folklore: the Grinch! Dress up as him, don't put green makeup on your face, that's just weak, and easily seen through, actually dress up in a full sized Grinch costume, mask and all. Next, you grab a plastic rubbish bag or two and run into the living room in front of your children, and start yelling how you're going to steal their Christmas, while you are packing the bags with their prettily wrapped presents. You may have to do this one handed as you will be fighting off the screaming savages. Once the bags are filled and not a single present sits beneath the tree, run out the door laughing loudly as they dash after you with tears chasing down their little cheeks.

Now the tricky part is to hide the toys and clothes that you purchased for your children. You will want to find a location that will be impossible for them to find. Your best bet is the trunk of your car, or if you don't have a trunk, in the very back. The best way to do this, is before you go in and steal the presents, take the car for a drive just down the street around the block, where your kids won't dare to go, and then don your costume. That way, when you escape your monsters, you can hop into the car, drive off for a bit more just in case before you pull off to the side and take the costume off. Then, you can just throw their presents in the back, and go home and comfort your kids, with a small secret smile on your lips.

The next day, you just gather your receipts, and take all the gifts back to the stores you bought them from, for a refund so you can pay that teenager you'll be hiring for your New Year's Eve drinking session. If you spent enough, you can buy a takeaway pizza for your kids, her and the boyfriend she'll be inviting over after you leave.

This is it for the naughty list. I hope you have found my knowledge extremely helpful. Please stay tuned for Part 2 of the Naughty and Nice List.

Cheers.