Cheerleading is right! Maggie, you DO so much it is inspiring and sometimes tiring! But mostly inspiring. I love reading about what the rest of you are doing.

I have bought no gifts; it is not what I do. During the year I will give small gifts as the right thing appears. I did provide paper (from my stash in the shed!) and tape for Rob to wrap a couple and encouraged him to go visit friends and spend time with brother this Christmas Eve. I stayed home, comfortably, with a book and the computer.

For me, our time at the Cafe last night with our wonderful community of friends was my Christmas celebration. There were 25 wonderful musicians participating in the open mike. Adrien/Beer encouraged me to sing and he accompanied me for O Tannenbaum, in German. The evening raised funds for the ADDA music lessons for youngsters program - $584! And a friend talked with excitement about his upcoming CD - still very much in the works. I delight in his excitement! The group picture on the Cafe NamasThe FB site tells it all! We (I) drive over an hour each way for to be part of the Cafe family and it is worth every bit of it.

I have cooked nothing. I even forgot to go the the bakery today but called Rob and he managed to get there, before going to Church with his bro, and picked up two loaves of that wonderful chocolate cranberry bread to take to our friend's Open House tomorrow. We have two more invites next week; another one down in the country. I may or may not feel like baking or cooking for them; there is the bakery.   

I think I am finding it somewhat tiring to support Rob as he believes he is getting depressed. Sometimes I am scared, sometimes feeling inadequate, just plain foundering - Then he comes in cheerful. A yo-yo! I too have been there; I suppose most of us have. so I just hang on, reading, connecting with friends on phone and computer, finding support but not doing much else. I find it hard to be a psychotherapist who has done so much good work with people and to have a partner who feels as though he is sinking. How dare he be depressed when he has me! But that is reality and I am dealing with it- with the help of friends. That, too, is what life, and Christmas, is about, for me.

This, too will pass. I do not feel badly about doing "nothing". I am doing what is necessary and have made enough order out of the chaos that was in this house six months ago that Rob feels happy to come into "a home". And peace/silence, a calm environment, is healing. I am mostly OK but it does take a lot of energy. I always need the peace of silence. I give myself permission to do only that which I feel is essential, what I feel I can do comfortably.

As I wrote this, I remembered this poem by a wonderful Scottish musician, a beautiful human being. It buoyed me up a couple years ago when I was feeling like a yo-yo. So I pass this gift along; perhaps it will speak to others.

"Like the power of the ocean
You may feel you are falling
But it's been there all the time
You may think your boat is sinking
But it's not it's just you've been thinking
You have been drifting on another tide

If you look to distant horizons
The answers you may find them
Don't expect them to wash ashore
Your dreams will last forever
And one day you will remember
The life you lived here once before"

David V Taylor 1994

BUT, ABOVE ALL, I HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING THE BEST HOLIDAY SEASON ACCORDING TO THEIR OWN NEEDS.