I started this thread in anticipation of collecting more of these. This one can be found in a concert video at YouTube:


FEMALE PROBLEMS
Rev. Billy C. Wirtz

[SPOKEN INTRO (abbreviated)] So, I know this is really hard for you to imagine, but I had some weird dating experiences. I wrote a song about it. I came up with the verses, and you know, you have to get a snappy title to go with it. So I'm like, okay, "I'm having—dating difficulties"—uh, too long. "I'm having, uh, dating issues." All right, what are you having difficulties with? Let's see, I'm having difficulties with female—ok, female—How about "I've got female problems"? I thought, okay, well, let's see, since you're kind of a retro guy, we'll make it kind of a ragtime—kind of a fifties, sort of a period piece.

And if you're booin' now, wait till we get to the song.


Well, now, I used to date a lady doctor.
  All she ever said was "Cough."
I went out with a contortionist
  till she broke it off.
I went out with a tow-truck operator.
  She gave me a real big push.
I hung around with a landscape surveyor
  who said, "Stay away from that bush."
I went out with a high-school teacher.
  She said I didn't make the grade.
I had a good thing goin' with a hula-dancer
  who said, "You just need to get—less obvious."

Well, I used to date an attorney.
  She was always on my case.
I went out with the girl who designed the Etch-a-Sketch.
  She disappeared without a trace.
I went out with a narcoleptic.
  After she gave me the nod,
The lady down at that fishin' store
  laughed when she saw my rod.
I went out with the girl who did the fries at McDonald's.
  She called me her big dictator.
The lady down at the local bait shop,
  she said I was a master—of the obvious.

I got female problems. I get 'em ev'ry once in a while.
When I get my female problems, oh, they really cramp my style.

Well, I used to date a window washer.
  She became a real pain.
I hung around with a flight controller.
  She turned out to be rather plain.
I went out with a bipolar forensic pathologist.
  She kept reachin' for the tissues.
I hung around with a magazine editor,
  but she had one too many issues.
I went out with a nice Quaker girl.
  She said, "I just want to be friends."
I asked the girl at the nursing home, "Do you love me?"
  She said, "Well, it all depends."

Well, I used to date a moonshiner's daughter.
  She always made me liquor.
The lady down at that candy store,
  all she did was laugh an' snicker.
I went out with a hypnotherapist.
  She said, "Keep on dreamin'."
I hung around with an admiral's daughter,
  but her naval base was always full o' discharged seamen.
I went out with a lady butcher.
  She knew how to grind it around.
These days I'm datin' an undertaker
  'cause I know she'd be the last one to ever put me down.

I got female problems; get 'em ev'ry once in a while
Get my female problems, an' they really cramp my style.

Think about my female problems, most of which I've been the cause.
Think about my years of female problems, it's enough to give a man a pause—
To give a man a pause.


[Also on his albums "Deep Fried & Sanctified" (1989), "Pianist Envy" (1994), "Best of the Wirtz" (2001), and "Sermon from Bethlehem" (2006).]